My Little Ponies are evil, theoretically

Story by Sydney Schoen, co-editor in chief

Tupac’s back.

Or, according to the WellAware1 website (, he never really left.

A website founded by conspiracy theorist Ed Chiarini, WellAware1, “the website one percent–ers are afraid of,” believes that all news events are staged by popular actors in an effort to help the government “manipulate the perception of the general public.”

Essentially, there is an insane amount of celebrity doppelgangers.

Tupac Shakur is a character played by Dave Chappelle.

Zubeidat Tsarnaeva, the Boston Marathon bombers’ mother, is Kellie Pickler.

Willow Smith, Will Smith’s daughter, is Malia Obama, President Barack Obama’s daughter.

Alice Cooper is Steve Carell.

Adam Lanza, the Sandy Hook shooter, is Michael Phelps.

Boy George is Steve Carell. (Carell gets around.)

The current Queen of England, Elizabeth II, is Betty White.

Ear biometrics, a method of identification by comparing ears, is believed to be the equivalent or better than facial recognition, according to computer scientist Kevin Bowyer in a 2010 article. This powerful detection method is commonplace for WellAware1–ers.

By comparing pixelated photographs of ears, crude handwriting samples, and photoshopped pictures, this site claims it’s doing Americans a favor––uncovering the lies put on television daily; a truly patriotic act. And what’s more patriotic than asking for donations each time you read about one of their “investigations?”

And although topically different, the foundation of this conspiracy theory mirrors others:

A cure for cancer has already been found, but the government won’t report it.

“There is a concentration camp under the Denver International Airport.”

The government is creating STDs for business purposes.

Or, “My Little Pony: Friendship is magic. One big brainwash. You’re welcome.”

[Brian Fairbanks,]

The government is lying, man.

It is a fact that the government hides things from the average citizen (i.e. NSA scandal, WikiLeaks). Conspiracy theorists just want answers to what they find to be discrepant. However, tragedies, like the Boston Marathon bombing and Sandy Hook shooting, should be allowed to remain as such. It would be insensitive and un–American to accuse of anything otherwise.

But if the heart cannot bear to think that Tupac is dead or that My Little Ponies are adorable, then so be it.

But, Americans should absorb this information as it is––theoretical.