Your local herbivore

Being vegetarian isn’t such a rough life


Story by Caroline Purtle, Co-entertainment editor

Some say, “That’s a disgrace because you don’t eat the animals that God puts on earth.”

Others just question.


“Since when?”

And just end with a quiet, but emotionally held back slap in the face, “Oh.”

The rest just get offended because I forget to tell them.

Am I just suppose to introduce myself with an eating classification?

“Hi, my name is Caroline Purtle, and I’m your local herbivore.”

It all started when I was around 4–years–old. I haven’t always lived this lifestyle, but for the greater portion of my life I have. My parents used to feed me in a cage with Kraft grilled cheeses and peanut butter sandwiches with the crust cut off. OK, maybe half of that statement is true.

As I grew up, I would (reluctantly) branch out sometimes; only to find myself back in a mac and cheese bowl. When I reached high school, my eating habits became more apparent.

“Hey, Purtle! Want to go eat at Longhorn Steakhouse tonight?”

Oh, how I love a thick cut of rare steak sliced from a cow only moments before slapped onto a porcelain plate. It’s your regular vegetarian’s dream.

Sometimes acquaintances look at me like I’m a whole other species. They squint their eyes and sometimes poke me with a stick. Well, now I’m exaggerating a tad bit, but nonetheless, that is what it feels like. Maybe in the next 50 years, my community will be published in biology textbooks, right next to our ancestor the dino Patagosaurus.

Often during lunch, my friends like to randomly question me. Due to a never-ending curiosity, they somehow draw the conclusion that I’m clinically depressed. They believe I’m living a rough life and think it is some form of demented torture to not consume meat. Usually when they transform to radicals, I just blatantly stare at them while crunching my oh-so-yummy Caesar salad.

“Are you doing this for the animals?”

“Do you really like animals or something?”

“Do you get sad when you eat animals?”

Some of my favorite questions.

Yes, I do love animals, and there is nothing wrong with being an animal activist, but that is not the reason for my decision. I simply just don’t like the texture nor taste of meat. Shocker, right? You’re probably thinking I need an exorcism now.

Some worry that my body doesn’t get enough protein. It is true that I don’t receive an abundant amount, but I have come to accept that my lifelong dream of becoming a bodybuilder probably won’t happen.

Not eating meat has it perks. If people start getting infected with Mad Cow disease, us vegetarians will be the last to go. When everyone is eating “chicken nuggets,” they’re actually eating filler. Due to the substantial amount of processed food in their lives, they might need a colon transplant when they are older.

I’m going to break a few myths. Yes, herbivores do have hearts/brains/souls. Some of us are Christians and we are happy people. We do not worship cows, nor wish we were one.

Well If you need to find me, I will be in the pasture eating grass.