Suck on this

A ranking of suckers where I’m always right.

photo+illustration.

Photo by Abby Elliott

photo illustration.

Story by Emma Allen, staff writer

Since 1983, selling Ozark Delight Candy Co. suckers has been a classic fundraiser. Just one dollar can buy a delectable candy or a disaster on a stick. Never before has someone been brave enough to taste all of the lollipops, but — thanks to this following list — a ridiculous amount of suckers have finally been ranked.

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Margarita- 2.9/10

I know this score is going to make people mad. As someone who has sold suckers many times in her life, I know firsthand that potential customers are drawn to this flavor, but we would be lying to ourselves if we said it was because of the taste. This is popular for the idea. For some reason, there’s something thrilling about saying you had a margarita sucker. The implication of something forbidden really gets people going, especially back in middle school. But the sucker itself is just plain bad. 

 

Birthday Cake, Banana Split and Cotton Candy- 3/10

I couldn’t tell you why, but these all taste nearly identical, and that’s not a good thing. All three are rather bland and vaguely vanilla — with a hint of banana in the case of banana split. None tasted bad per se, but at least a little bit of flavor would be nice.

 

Juicy Grape- 4/10

I have to admit that this one surprised me. I fully expected it to be horrible, as many grape flavored things are, but it wasn’t. Clearly, it doesn’t have a great score, but I was ready to give it a 1. If you like grape Jolly Ranchers (If you do, why?) this is the sucker for you.

 

Fuzzy Peach- 6.8/10

This one is hard for me. For five years, this was hands down my favorite. I was an unwavering proponent of this flavor. People didn’t ask what my favorite flavor was nor did they want recommendations, but if they did, I would have been ready. And yet, in my moment of need, it fell short. I couldn’t bear to give it a lower score. Just keep in mind that nostalgia is what’s keeping it above a 6.5.

 

Island Punch- 7.5/10

The first taste … unbelievable. I don’t know how it could possibly be that horrendous. At this point you may be asking me, “Well, if it was so bad, why does it have such a high score?” Don’t worry, I’m getting there. The first three seconds made me want to put the sucker in an empty trashcan, fill it with gasoline, light it on fire, then throw it into the bottom of the Pacific Ocean. After that though, it tasted exactly like Hawaiin Punch.

 

Caramel Popcorn- 7.9/10

If I was giving out awards, which I’m not, this would easily win the most shocking. This was yet another that I was prepared to hate, as the non-fruity ones tend to taste slightly off, but I genuinely enjoyed the uniqueness of this one. I can’t be sure, but it seems there were grains of salt in it, which I found intriguing and quite tasty.

 

Sour Pink Lemonade- 9.5/10

Last but not least, the best sucker of the bunch. Granted, there were a few I didn’t get a chance to try, but I’m pretty confident nothing could beat this one. It delivers the promised flavor without missing a beat, the slight tang adding just the right amount of punch to make the otherwise basic flavor rise above the rest. 

 

I learned an exciting total of one thing from this experience — buy a fruity sucker. The unhealthy twist on a previously nutritious food is a classic, and it simply cannot be beat (for the most part. Don’t mind the times that the non-fruity suckers quite literally beat the fruity ones). And if you choose to go against my advice and buy one of the horrendous suckers on this list … well, don’t say I didn’t warn you.