Shop till you drop

The ultimate game plan to surviving Black Friday


Photo by Margaret Debenport

Photo Illustration. Two girls fight over a piece of merchandise in a local department store depicting the turmoil of Black Friday shopping.

Story by Bailey Hawkins, staff writer

The day has come: Black Friday. It’s the holiday that best embodies the spirit of giving. So grab your dearest family and friends to celebrate the beginning of the Christmas season by brawling with someone over a Dyson that is only an extra 5% off. Here are some tips and tricks to survive the bloodbath that is Black Friday and come out on top.

Know Your Opponents

Everyone’s biggest competitor this year is the infamous Karen. Karen is the one awake and ready at 4:30 a.m. In her purse is a blueprint of the local Walmart supercenter. She has spent the last 364 days preparing for this moment. Her only source of nutrients for the day is pure caffeine, a venti Pike’s Place roast with an extra five shots to be exact. The reasoning behind the unholy amount of caffeine is the energy she will need to keep up with her disobedient children, Jacob and Violet. Their only purpose in life is to make someone else’s miserable. They constantly open packages and place them back on the shelves.

Wear an employee’s uniform

This way, the other employees will see you standing outside and let you in before anyone else. This is a variation of the Trojan horse strategy. Once inside, it’s your time to shine. You are free to roam the stores, as unsuspecting customers sit outside, unaware the products they have been waiting for are being mercilessly thrown into your cart. 

Line your shopping cart with weapons from home

I suggest wooden spoons. Any child can tell you that a wooden spoon is the scariest of all weapons. This will intimidate others and deter them from stealing your items. If that doesn’t ward off the shoppers, try a baseball bat. Most people will be full from their feast the previous day, thus they will not have the energy to run from you. This means that even if they make an escape with your item, they won’t be getting too far. Only as a last ditch effort, a desperate final attempt, should you resort to hand-to-hand combat.

Hit up the bakery

Everyone will be trying to get those discounted Keurig coffee pots, and only a fraction of them will get one. You, on the other hand, will be snagging a sweet deal with some 50-percent-off dinner rolls and coffee cakes. That’s a real winner. 

Don’t back down

If there’s something you want, go for it. Even if a cop is threatening to arrest you for beating that woman who tried to steal your Apple Watch, don’t give in. It’s most likely another shopper pretending to be a cop. 

Bring it home

Assuming your execution is flawless up until this point, you’ve likely closed in on your items of choice and are headed for the checkout. Here, with item(s) in hand, or a cart, you will want to avoid making eye contact with other patrons at all costs. On Black Friday, people resort back to their primitive ways and lose all ability to communicate in a humane manner. They will pounce at any glimmer of weakness or insecurity. 

You have survived. Now it is time for the easiest and most stress-free part of the day, the ride home. In a couple short minutes, you will be back in your home to bask in the glory of the haul you have acquired. I hope you will take into account these helpful tips. Happy shopping!